Um, Mr. Spielberg, Mr. Lucas… the world called. They’d like their Indiana Jones back.

Just in case you don’t get how I felt about the new Indiana Jones movie, let’s just say that Lucas has given it the Episode 1-3 treatment, and Speilberg has “AI-ified it”. Basically, they once again took a set of beloved characters from great early Lucas story ideas and CG’d, over-wrote, cutsied, emasculated and winked at them, put it all in a giant bucket, stirred in a bit of overwrought acting and “plot” and then took a big, hot, steaming dump on it.

And then Dairy-Queened the top of it.

And just in case you still don’t get the picture, let’s just say that I am supremely disappointed in a mass of people that once created this wonderful, quirky and real character – and didn’t know when to stop. I mean, CG? C-fucking-G? Come on!

I guess the bank called and held back the last $0.99 interest on all of their multi-million dollar fortunes unless they would just squeeze out another turd for the masses.

Spielberg, Lucas, Ford, Blanchet, Allen, even Pepé Lepew or whatever the fuck “hot kid actor of the month’s” name is… at any time, did ANY of you stop and think, “boy, this might be kinda dumb. I think I’m going to hold onto my integrity and stay out of it.” Cash check. Enter pocket.

You made fucking Schindler’s List… you made Star Wars… Blade Runner, Munich, THX1138, Elizabeth, Transfo… ok, that was a turdfest, as well (you’re still young, wtf?) – my point is, these are people that are clearly CAPABLE of making and writing and picking and acting in a good movie.

If that’s the case, my only question is: why not do it every time?

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I know it’s easy to sit in the cheap seats and complain. But that’s exactly my point. We’re out here, watching this stuff. We’re not the experts that MAKE these movies. The experts have millions of dollars, and the beck and call (I’m sure, in this case) of everyone in Hollywood, wanting to be involved. Talent, talent, talent. And talented people MADE the thing, and all kinds of other things that we scoop up off the floor and shove into our faces.

Why?

Why can’t it be GOOD? I know it’s naive, and that’s not usually my schtick, but can’t I have at least one dream… that we all would have a little more integrity? Just a little, especially the experts?

But I know why it’s not like that. I know why. Because I took my 13 year-old nephew and 12 year-old niece with me. And it didn’t matter that nothing made sense, that the screen was filled with pixels instead of actors, that the script and acting and scenes weren’t better.

Because the last Indy movie was made 5 years before they were BORN.

So they don’t care. They don’t need to understand WHY Indy doesn’t want to grab the snake to escape. They don’t need to wonder why Marian is kind of a wimp now. They don’t care that it doesn’t make sense that Indiana Jones has been given an OSS past… INDIANA JONES. Um, anyone ever WATCH the last 10 minutes of Raiders?

None of that matters. Because those of us that LOVE Indiana pull out the $20 for tickets and snacks in HOPE. And the kids that don’t KNOW Indiana pull out their mom’s $20 because they don’t… CARE. There’ll be another movie next week to think was “awesome” as well. And another the next week. Every Friday a new turd drops, and they love them.

Why should I be angry? This is the way it is, right? I guess so. But I don’t have to like it.

And I don’t.