OK, I can’t take it anymore. I really don’t care who I offend with this one. The following seems to apply to the vast majority of you out there – the select few that it does not, I apologize for lumping you in with the rest of the idiots.

I have often remarked that the difference between Massachusetts and NY/NJ drivers was that Massholes are bad drivers and just don’t know it, whereas NY/NJ drivers are bad drivers and just don’t give a fuck.

I can now safely lump other states’ drivers in with Massachusetts. Actually, maybe I should say, “I can now lump American drivers in with the Massholes. Sorry, American citizenry, but you can’t drive for shit.”

In order to do my best to help the situation rather than just bitch, I’ve got a simple set of reminder rules for you from your driver’s test days. Some of these items may not be obvious to you, but to those of us out here swerving, braking and generally driving scared trying to avoid being hit by you would love it if you could commit them to memory.

1. Blinkers/Directionals. Whatever the fuck you call them, they are for letting the rest of us know where the hell you intend to go in your 11mpg behemoth of an SUV. They are not, repeat, not, an attempt by the government to give you a seizure whilst driving. You will, however, give the rest of us one if you don’t use them. It’s really a very simple device, I think you can handle it.

2. Gas. It’s on the right.

3. Turning. This is a two-part issue. Firstly, when you intend to make a turn, make the fucker already. The rest of us are stacked up behind you in an almost vertical position thanks to your 90-minute slow down from 30 to take the entrance ramp. Secondly – yeah, I’m here in my proper lane, which seems to intersect with the trajectory of your car while you make your turn. The reason you are mad at ME is that you are doing what is called “cutting the corner” instead of turning from your lane in a wide or narrow enough arc (depending on the circumstance) to enter the correct lane 90 degrees away. This is also called, “you’re a fucking moron”. This crosses over (literally) into number 4, below.

4. Your half of the road. Remember when you were a kid, and you and your brother/sister/cousin/friend were sitting in the back seat of the car, fighting? You would create an “imaginary line” in the middle of the seat, halving the area for your own personal space. Well, the same rules apply to driving, except the “imaginary” line is, instead, an actual line, and the result of crossing it isn’t just a slap-fight, whining, crying and mommy screaming from the front seat but instead, possibly, death. This can be avoided by doing what we human beings call “staying on your fucking side of the road”. Oh, and “staring at me in disbelief as to my anger” after you almost run me into a ditch is not a proper response to violating this rule.*

*Some claim that “I didn’t see you there” is a valid defense to a charge of crossing the middle of the road. I drive a Charger. It’s a huge fucking car. And it’s silver. You would have seen me had you not been (a) picking a Goober you dropped off the ground, (b) making out with your girl/boyfriend or (c) sleeping.

5. Get off the phone. Many states have required that you used hands-free headsets to talk on the phone while driving. There’s a reason there are, oh, 8,000 such products in your local Best Buy, Walmart or Target. There is a valid reason why this is a good idea (I’ll give you a hint – you need to hold the phone to your face if you don’t have a headset… this leaves you, believe it or not, with only ONE hand to operate the 2-ton metal killing machine with). In some areas, this rule is called something different than “get off the phone”. Instead, it’s called “get the fuck off the phone” or “get off the fucking phone”. Either one I approve of.

These seem like good rules to start with. I’m sure I’ll think of more.