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double dead darkness - petrostudio LLC
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I’m a Gamefly member. It’s a good service, though at times I find myself holding onto a game for so long it actually costs me more in membership fees than to buy it outright.

I typically buy the really top level games that I know I will want, reserving the “lesser” titles I’m interested in to Gamefly. Sometimes, you stumble upon something that is really worthwhile. This is not one of those times.

Don’t play this. Really.

You know, this got a decent Metacritic score, with critics calling it “unique” and “brilliant”. One reviewer even stated that it “stands out from the rest” of the zombie games out there.

It’s none of those things. It’s exactly like every zombie game, and every zombie movie. Buncha “un-zombied” people, scared out of their minds, relying on a singular hero to take care of them. And then you do.

Sure, there is a leveling dynamic, and “quests”, rather than just “kill everything in sight”. But those quests often ask you to collect items or find belongings… oh, yeah, AND kill everything in sight. I was bored ten minutes in, and then 20. I got the feeling I had playing Alone in the Fart, er, Dark, several years ago (follow the link for my unique, brilliant review of that turd). I quite like Joystiq’s byline quote on their review:

Though the zombie apocalypse may occasionally be grimly satisfying or fleetingly triumphant when you survive another night, there’s one thing it almost certainly won’t be…Fun.

Yikes.

The problem I have with zombie-games, -movies, -stories is, pretty much, the “zombie” part. The frightening nature of a mindless beast (or, frequently, thousands of them) works once, maybe twice on screen or the page, but then just becomes a smokescreen for some sort of murder porn. Ok, we’ll kill this guy this way or that new way – it’s ok, there aren’t really people anymore, so we don’t have to feel bad!

In terms of games, this gets people off the hook of programming intelligence. The mob or NPC just runs right at you and turns into red pulp. How fun.

Skip this. Skip it very much.

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I’m a Bond fan. As a matter of fact, my first job out of school was working on the James Bond Interactive Encyclopedia for a place that doesn’t exist anymore. It was a pretty cool first job, that much is true, even if the hours sucked.

The latest Bond film that had been completed at the time was “Goldeneye“, with Pierce Brosnan. It was a lot of the same, and yet different enough to revitalize the Bond franchise (the last film had been 1989’s “Licence to Kill”).

Goldeneye 007, the video game, was a title that was applauded by critics at the time. Fast-forward to 2011, and Goldeneye 007: Reloaded, a “reboot” of the same game starring the new(er) Bond (Daniel Craig) and other characters.

A lot has changed in gaming since 1996, and what was “great” then is merely mediocre today. And this is a very mediocre title.

The graphics are sub-par for a AAA title today, the gameplay is standard or even outdated (oh, you mean you six guys were just waiting in that windowless, doorless room for me to walk by so you could jump out? What timing!) and the story/sound/everything else is just… meh.

Play it, just to say you did, and so that Goldeneye 007 fans don’t sound like the Peanuts teacher while they drone on about this (and the original) title, but don’t expect an eye-opener.

See what I did there?

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I played the original Darkness in 2008. I liked it. The critics did, as well. Though the story was lacking (or just a little piecemeal) the powers were interesting and the gameplay made you really feel like badass.

So I was really looking forward to The Darkness II. And, once again, the critics liked it, generally. I must respectfully disagree.

First of all, don’t blink or it’ll be over. Ok, so that’s typical for shooters, especially sequels, these days (Modern Warfare 2, anyone?). Secondly, now it just feels like cheating. Granted, I played on a low difficulty (which I tend to do a lot, just to experience the story and gameplay), but with all the powers at your immediate disposal, I was quickly and unabashedly invincible.

So, ok, let’s talk about the story, which has its roots in some pretty interesting comic lore – guys try to kill you to take the Darkness, so you kill them all back. Then you go to hell and kill a bunch of… I don’t know… naked guys(?) and free your girlfriend’s soul. And then you wait another three years to figure out what all that meant.

It felt a little like “The Matrix” sequels. Once I know what The Matrix is, I’ve seen how the sausage is made, and it’s a lot harder to impress me with kung fu nonsense and bullety dodginess.

So play it or skip it – either way, you will still end up wondering what the heck it is all about.

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I thank my lucky stars we have a “Skyfall” trailer. I am a-flutter.