What the eff were you thinking?
I recently started a bathroom remodel. Actually, I started a bathroom remodel, what I am currently working on is a bathroom gut and replace. Cut and paste. Remove and redo. Whatever, it is broken and I must fix it. It is kind of a parallel to life right now I guess.
A while ago I started examining my life and personality. I was wondering why I was so down, so bitter, so curmudgeonly. I figured that was just the way I was for so long, and kind of relished in those facts. I looked at the Myers-Briggs Personality Types and justified a lot of what I thought about myself within that INTJ profile. I rationalized my own brand of Introversion as anti-social and judgmental, and just accepted that it was truth. I was an old fart.
So this bathroom has a built-in vanity. Like they built in there, into the wall, rather than building it as its own piece and setting it in place. It actually was the item holding up a half-wall between it and the toilet – there was nothing securing that barrier to the floor and wall except this vanity. When I ripped it out, I found that the floor and wall had an extra layer around it. The subfloor had an added layer in places, and a second layer of drywall had been added as well. To say I was perplexed would be an understatement.
Part of examining yourself is trying to take an objective look at who you are, from the outside. It is difficult, to say the least, as you are often mired in your everything, which really helps define you and hold you in place. I’ve said for years that, once you reach adulthood, you have a responsibility to look back and figure out what makes you do what you do and make changes as necessary. Too often, we meet people and wonder why they just don’t do that. Do they realize they are being jerks? Do they know they have issues with women/men? Do they know they need to shower? But not everyone has the skills or abilities to do this, to look at themselves. And even those of us with it often don’t turn that critical eye on ourselves as needed. Sometimes what we find is not all that pleasant.
Two of the walls in the bathroom have an extra layer of sheetrock on them. This was to cover up lousy wallpaper. I guess the geniuses that did it had no idea where was such a thing as a wallpaper steamer. No cement board in the shower. Poor sealant all around. It became very clear what was called for was a total gut job, back to the original state.
I learned that I had lost all my creative spark over the last decade or so. I wasn’t writing. I wasn’t creating art. I wasn’t drawing, or shooting, or anything. I wasn’t creating and I wasn’t sure how to start again. A gut-job was required.
And so I’m in the process of gutting it all out. Finding the original construction and building from there. It’s not easy. There are fits and starts, and times of stagnation. The holidays are a tough time, as there is so much “I’ll get to that after all this” is just part and parcel with the season. But once the new year hits, it is back to the bricks. And the sheetrock. And the tub. That toilet must go, too. And a lot more.
I have started writing again. Slowly. Drawing. Dressing like a person. Looking at old work and figuring out what I like to do, what I am good at, what I’m not. A lot of what I find I don’t like, so I’m trying to get back to the original construction.
Too bad there’s not a steamer for that.